Writing Muscle

Would things have been different?

For those who knew me they know that my divorce was simple.  We agreed we wanted the divorce.  I typed the papers up, we submitted them to the Judge on a Thursday and they were signed the following Tuesday.

It wasn’t until two years later that things turned ugly and bitter.  The state did a review of our divorce papers and decided child support should be added.  When we initially filed we both just wanted out.  We were then making the same amount of money-ironically working the same job at the same Correctional Institution. We agreed to no child support going either way.  The state felt differently.

This was the beginning of a long nasty battle.  

I left my job at the prison when the stress from work, and the stress from this child support drove me to feeling and attempting suicide.

I will never forget that night.  I was the one who called the ambulance when I realized I couldn’t do this to my daughters nor to my best friend.  

Shortly after I arrived at the hospital there were 2 Associate Wardens and my direct supervisor in the lobby of the emergency room.  As I was choking down the charcoal the nurse came in and told me there were people who were asking to see me.  She told me that I didn’t have to let them in if I didn’t want to.  I asked her to please wait a few minutes and let me choke down the nasty black liquid.  Several minutes later she came in and told me they were being persistent as they needed some information from me.  I told her to let them come back.

I will never forget as all three of them entered the room and my department associate warden’s question was “is this because of anything to do with an inmate?”  When I answered no he sat down on the edge of the bed and took my hand asking me “why when there is so much to live for, my children, my family and anyone who loved me would I do something like this?”  I told him I couldn’t give him a rational answer.  There wasn’t one.

I explained my daughters were with their father for the night, I had been stressed and I had crawled into a bottle or two of alcohol.  I didn’t want to feel anything.   I wanted to be numb.  When the alcohol didn’t work I found what I could in the medicine cabinet.

Several hours later I was moved to another hospital so I could be kept under psychiatric care for a period of time.  

While I was in the hospital the psychiatrist and my supervisor came down for a visit.  I commented that I had not seen my children in the time I had been there even though I had left repeated requests to see them. 

The following day my ex brought my daughters to see me.

I learned later that my boss and associate warden (who was also over my ex’s department) had told them if he did not want to bring the children to me they would be happy to.  

During this stay in the hospital I was diagnosed with PTSD.  I was started on medications for depression.  The prescriptions I had at the time were not available in generic form, so AFTER my insurance paid their 80% my portion was still nearly $200 every  month.  

If I had pulled my head out of my ass I would have gone to the VA hospital and worked with them on purchasing my prescriptions and seeing an out-patient psychiatrist.  But I didn’t so the bills were piling up around me.

Shortly after I was swimming in bills I had to put a space heater in one small room of my house and feed my children nothing but cold sandwiches, fruits and vegetables that did not need to be cooked as I had no electricity.  My neighbors kindly ran an extension cord for us to live in that room.

On another occasion it was the water bill I couldn’t /didn’t pay and we had to go to the institution’s gym to shower.

Knowing what I do now, had I been working with the Veterans Administration I could have been moved into a fiduciary program where my bills and spending could be overseen by someone other than myself.  Years later I would be involved in this program with one of my friends overseeing it all.  Having a clear head and someone who is better at math than I am kept me above water and taught me how to budget out.

It has been years since I have been officially on the VA Program, but I still have someone who manages the money.  He sends me a list of how to pay the bills, and tells me what I can spend on groceries.  I send him copies of all the receipts just to keep me honest.

Like a snowball my world seemed to be falling in.  I remember one day the Warden pulled me aside and asked if he could speak with me for a moment.  My boss got a terrified look on his face wondering I am sure what was up.

The Warden commented to me that for as bitter as our child support/child custody battle was becoming he was very impressed that we could manage to maintain an extremely professional relationship at work.  I told him it was because we had been married in the same unit in Germany and our military work relationship was coming through.

Our child support hearings had turned to child custody.  See, after I went into the hospital my ex believed I was no longer fit to be a parent to my daughters.  

He hired the most notorious attorney in the area.  My hand was forced and I had to hire one just to keep  the playing field level.  She \subpoenaed my boss, the 2 associate Wardens, the institution psychiatrist just for starters.

When we sat down to do a deposition before trial she asked for two days.  My attorney told her he would let her know.  20 minutes into the proceeding he made his first call to the judge asking about her line of questioning,  Let’s just say it wasn’t his only objection to her line of thinking.

Anyone who has sat on the other side of the court with her (I know a few) will tell you this woman makes bitch sound like a wonderful smelling rose.

So as she filed motion after motion after motion and then subpoenaed more and more people my bills were adding up so fast just the basics were well out of my reach.  We were living on rice and macaroni, maybe I had a little meat to throw in here and there, but that was few and far between.

I had no choice I had to come up with money.  First I sold my guns.  Second I sold my living room furniture.  Then I sold the t.v.  Eventually I sold the piano my grandfather had given my mother and I for my 8^th birthday.  The day that happened I cried until I threw up.  I just prayed my grandfather would understand.

Sitting with a psychiatrist every week didn’t seem to make anything move better.  It just felt like it was getting worse.

Finally, I made the decision to leave the job.  I had no idea where I would go or what I would do, I just couldn’t work there anymore.

Eventually I was offered a job in Salt Lake City, Utah.  This would mean a move from Oregon.  

I was under the understanding that my youngest daughter would join me and her sister after she finished the volleyball season.  That never happened.  In fact over the course of the next  5-6 years we lost complete communication.

 

I can’t tell you much about what happened in Salt Lake Ciity.  My oldest daughter has told me some stories of what happened-I have no recollection of most of it.  

Eventually I started to slide again.  I remember one or two trips to the emergency room but my daughter has had to fill in the rest of the blanks for me.  She tells me it was almost daylight and we had been at the hospital all night and the nurse/case worker hadn’t been seen for hours but when she did come back she had all the paperwork ready for my signature to travel up the hill to the VA and become enrolled in their system. During my first intake process they looked at many medical records I had and I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder.

It wasn’t long after that I called my parents and I did the one thing I had sworn I would never do, I moved back to my hometown.  The same one that at the age of 19 I felt like I was suffocating, felt like if I didn’t leave then there would be no tomorrow.

So my daughter and I stayed with my parents for several months until my VA and my Federal Employee Disability checks became regular. 

Circumstances I am not willing to talk about at this point happened any my ex-husband and his girlfriend showed up on my doorstep one morning and my daughter left with them to go back to Oregon. 

I ended up in a local hospital psych ward for a week not to long after that,

Things just got worse.  

Several court hearings later I was told that even though I made $17,300 to his nearly $60,000 I would pay HIM child support in the amount of $133 per month.  When I argued that if I paid that and all my bills it would only leave me with $25 per month, the judge told me I needed to get my priority set right.  As a government employee and VA you know it came out of my checks without any choice. Eventually they would garnish my paycheck for $266 after my youngest child turned 18 and they wanted to close the case it took nearly 8 months. 

I was also told that if I wanted to see my children I would have to pay for their travel.

My visitation was interrupted more than once.  When I couldn’t afford to buy the tickets I would get nasty letters about NOT WANTING to see the kids.  

One year I had purchased the girls tickets to come for a vacation for Christmas break.   I drove for nearly 5 hours or more in a driving show storm to the airport.  I had traveled early just to be safe,  The next morning my youngest daughter called me on the phone and told me her flight had been delayed due to the weather.  I told her that was ok I was already there.

She then told me that “Dad needs to leave so he can get to Grandma and Grandpa’s in Vegas”  I asked multiple times to have her dad come to the phone and he refused.  She then told me he wouldn’t wait.  I told her to hold on I would call her back in a minute.  After talking with a loved one I called her back and I told her to tell her Dad that I would put the gas in his truck buy the food for the trip if he would drive from Portland to Boise.

He refused.   He drove down through California and over to Vegas taking both girls with him.  One ticket was later used by my daughters best friend to come for a visit with me.

Unfortunately this was common over the years.  It is what drove me.  Anger. Deep seeded anger,  It held me together because there was nothing else

Both of my girls stopped talking to me even when they were hearing from me daily in mailed notes.  Well at least I was sending them.

Years later I was told that they didn’t think I loved them, that I didn’t want anything to do with them. 

I missed my youngest daughters high school years in part because we didn’t talk.

Finally I am building some rapport with both but I have to wonder will it ever be the same? How badly did I screw up my kids by being sick and not realizing it?

December 17, 2013 would have been our 22 anniversary.  If I had been diagnosed long before I was, when I was first married or the classic symptoms started would we still be married.

Lately that question has haunted me.

He has not said a single work to me in 10 years.  It is either the children or an attorney.  I left my daughters graduation in a hurry just to avoid confrontation. I am not looking forward to being in a happy occasion for our children when there is so much that has been said and done.

But he keeps showing up in my dreams.  When I sleep I find myself walking through everything that was good without remembering the bad.  I blame (when awake and asleep) a lot of what happened on myself and the symptoms of my disorder,  But I have to ask myself would we have made it if I wasn’t sick?  Here is a man I developed a great distaste for over the years but he has not dated hardly at all from what I am told.

I was also told by my daughter that her grandfather had split my ex and woman from Korea up.  He was stationed there and he fell in love with a young woman.  Very pretty I came across several pictures over the years.  But my ex father in law convinced my ex that all she wanted was a green card and then she would leave him,  My ex left her behind.

I was a woman that was approved of until I got sick and this illness took over my life.  

So why am I dreaming of what could have been? In some strange way do I still love him or have I finally accepted I broke his heart as badly as he broke mine?   He once told me he would never remarry if we split up he wouldn't be like his sister on marriage number 4. I used to wish him misery but I can't find it in myself anymore. I have no answers for those questions.

I can say I have been blessed though every dark day, for every bitter word, every lost memory I did have a wonderful person who never left my side even when I was horrible to him.  I still struggle with my emotions and frequently I still am ignorant, angry and mistrusting,  sometimes give him much worse than he deserves, but then he often deserves better than me.

Rates Of PTSD and Bi-Polar Comorbidity

Studies of bipolar patients have documented elevated rates of PTSD. Based on our review, representing 1214 bipolar patients, the mean prevalence of PTSD in bipolar patients is 16.0% (95% CI: 14-18%), a rate that is roughly double the lifetime prevalence for PTSD in the general population. Risk factors for PTSD that are also characteristic of bipolar samples include the presence of multiple axis I disorders, greater trauma exposure, elevated neuroticism and lower extraversion, and lower social support and socio-economic status.

Flood Of Knowledge

Dreaming With My Eyes Open

A Work In Progress

Keep Calm

Mystery

Binge!

I'll Be Happy

500 Words

Doors

Slowest Reader Ever

What You Think of Me

Be Happy

Sleep Dialing 9-1-1

While Bi-Polar and PTSD are truly intrusive on the lives of patients and friends it does have some lighter moments from time to time.
 

Several years ago my doctors had changed my medicines after I could no longer take lithium.  One medicine in particular says in the side effect listing that it will give you strange illnesses.  Just what someone who suffers from nightmares and daymares need right?

I had turned in for the night about 10pm or so.  Several hours later I began to dream that someone was on top of me.  I struggled but I couldn’t move my shoulders off mattress.  I remember rolling to my left and stretching for my cell phone.  I watched my fingers walk, no crawl, to the phone.

I flipped the phone open and I dialed 9-1-1.  It was a female dispatcher who answered the phone.

When she asked me what my emergency was I told her I was being held down to my mattress.  That I couldn’t breathe because I was losing the air to my lungs.  

She asked me if I could describe the person.  I told her it was too dark and he was either masked or my eyes were blindfolded I couldn’t tell which. I remember starting to gasp for air and she asked if the other party could hear me, was the phone on speaker?  I told her I didn’t think so it was so close to my ear. She told me to breathe with her counting and that there was help on the way.

Being a very small town with not a whole lot of crime many still leave their doors unlocked when they go to bed.  She asked me if mine was open.  I told her no (I can’t sleep unless I know everything is secure).  Since it wasn’t she asked me if there was any other way responders could enter.  

I told her I thought I could reach the lock on the window.  Still thinking I was fighting someone off I somehow opened the window.  She told me they were seconds out stay on the line with her until they got to me.  

My next recollection is a pair of hi-tech books coming through my window and using my nightstand as a step down.

Moments later I recall opening my eyes and at the foot of my bed there were two paramedics, two firefighters and two police officers.

I looked at all of them with surprise (I am told) and asked them what they were doing in my house.  They told me I had called 9-1-1 telling them there was someone in my house, did I know where he went.  I am told I my face showed nothing but confusion.  They asked me again and I told them I didn’t know.

One of the paramedics suggested I needed to go to the hospital and get checked out.  

I reached onto the nightstand and I showed them the “warning” labels that come with your medications.  I told them in the listings that it would cause strange dreams.  They checked me out just to be sure I had didn’t have any other reactions.  

I have never been so embarrassed in my tired life. 

It wasn’t funny that night, but I can laugh at it now.

Complex PTSD

I am considered mentally ill, stigmatized by society, it's ironic, for this same society is the one responsible for my condition.  Complex PTSD cam into play by what society, systems, government and others have done to me for 45 years.  Even now they continue to contribute to this condition.

I did not ask for the panic attacks, the dissociative episodes, the nightmares, the daymares, limited sleep, fear and inability to trust, the isolation, the emotional upheaval, the scenes of traumas being relived over and over, never ending as my mind does not have an off switch.

I did not ask for my reality to be blurred and distorted. I did not ask for all my physical afflictions.  I did not ask to have my identity stripped from me so I do not know who to be and what to feel, what to think and what to do.

I was molded and remolded by others like putty in their hands.  My days are spent working hard in therapy to try and undo the damage that has been done to me throughout my life.  Medications offer limited help, it does not fix the problem.

Only time can heal me.


Bonnie L. Machia
~Newspaper
~Counterpoint

**Thank you Eliza for sharing this article**

Homeless Veterans and PTSD

There recently was a time heroes returning home in flag draped coffins were denied dignity and respect. The public was not allowed to view, through photographs, the riveting and thought provoking images of somber solders in white gloves lifting a casket from the cargo area of planes as part of a heroes’ final journey home. As a veteran my heart breaks and I cry for every lost brother and sister. While the proper decorum has returned to such circumstances there are still reprehensible circumstances occurring daily regarding our former guardians. Currently there are approximately 107,000 veterans who live, eat, and sleep on the streets of America.  (National Coalition for Homeless Veterans, [NCHV]  2010).

    Homeless Veterans between the ages of 18 and 30, likely those veterans of Operation Iraqi Freedom and Operation Enduring Freedom, are almost twice as likely to be homeless than to be in the U.S. adult population. During 2009, more than 11,300 younger veterans used a shelter. This may reflect the support available for returning veterans as they exit the war zones. The risk ratio to become homeless is high and the lag time between becoming a veteran and experiencing homelessness is unclear.  For this reason the number of homeless veterans may increase in the future.

     It has been determined there are many differences between homeless veterans and homeless non-veterans.  When comparing the two groups distinction can be seen in sex, age, substance abuse, education levels, psychiatric illness, length of homelessness and even economic statues before entering the military.  Unique circumstances such as combat exposure, post-traumatic-stress-disorder (PTSD) may also have and indirect effect on veterans since they are associated with social isolation.  These circumstances can result in psychiatric hospitalization increasing the risk of unemployment or homelessness. (Office of Community Planning and Development [OCPD]; National Center on Homelessness Among Veterans [NCHAV] U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development [HUD];  U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs [VA], 2009).

         Some distinct differences are observed.   A study showed that female veterans are three to four times more likely to become homeless than those who are not veterans.  Another study showed 61 percent of female homeless veterans are disabled with 27 percent of those being service connected.  One in four is unemployed and those who are employed generally make less the $20,000 per year.  More than half suffered military sexual trauma, 58 percent have poor or fair health. All of the women in the study used Veterans Administration health care, however, they additionally needed dental care, mental health treatment and permanent housing.  It is estimated there are currently 1,600 homeless female veterans. (Wilborn, 2010)

     Normally homeless veterans are individuals and not families.  The small number of those who are considered families are usually women (59 percent) and not disabled.  Frequently the other families have two parents unlike non-veteran homeless families.  While these families are typically inclined to be middle class once they become impoverished they are a higher risk of becoming homeless.  (OCPD et, al, 2009).  A Housing and Urban Development Study found there are 1.3 million veterans living in poverty and that at least one in 10 of them became homeless during 2009.  (Wilborn,2010).

     There can be no end to this travesty until we, as a nation, stand together and address the needs of those who have guarded all the things we hold so dear.  “We the People” owe them everything we have, are you willing to turn your back on them?   The time for complacency has passed. Henry Emerson Fosdick said “He who chooses the beginning of the road chooses the place it leads to. It is the means that determines the end”

      No one is willing to stand in a crowded room and shout “I want MORE taxes please”. Nor, are many of us trusting that if governmental programs were created funding would be appropriately spent. So when the words “spending” or “funding” or “new” are heard from Capitol Hill there is almost and audible groan from sea to shining sea.  It was no different when the current administration announced plans to establish programs through the Veterans Administration (VA) and U.S. Department of Labor and Housing and Urban Development (HUD), with the goal being to end veteran homelessness by 2015, was announced.

     What many Americans are not aware of is the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, the Veterans Administration and the U.S. Department of Labor have already been working together for the last five years to provide transitional housing and services for more than 100,00 veterans each year.  This has changed the number of homeless veterans sleeping on the streets of America from 250,000 in fiscal year 2004, to 107,000 today. (NCHV, 2009).

      It is a continuation of these efforts that the VA budgeted $3.5 billion dollars in 2010, to be used over a 5 year period and proposed a $4.2 billion in 2011.  The programs will track such things as the numbers of homeless veterans and their needs, determine local priorities, and the trends it needs to address. The health care program would identify those who needed psychiatric or substance abuse and have contracts with local facilities for such short term treatments. (Wilborn, 2010).

     In the 111^th Congress (2010) two bills regarding this program were introduced to the house and the Senate.  In the house bill H.R. 4810 (End Veteran Homelessness Act of 2010) which would cost each adult American $3 between 2010 and 2015. S, 1237 (Homeless Veterans and Other Veterans Care Authorities Act of 2010).

H.R. 4810  (End Veteran Homeless Act of 2010) would provide the following:

·         Grant and Per Diem at $200 million in fiscal year 2010. 

·         Participating Veteran Administration Medical Centers (VAMC) employ at least one Housing Urban Development-Veterans Administrative Supportive Housing Program (HUD-VASH) out-reach specialist;

·         Coordinates assistance for homeless veterans through HUD’s Homelessness Prevention and Rapid Re-Housing Program. (HPRP). (House Bill 4810)

   S 1237 ( Homeless Veterans and Other Veterans Health Care Authorities Act of 2010) would provide

·         $200 million in fiscal year 2010 and such necessary funds through fiscal year 2014. 

·         Allows VA Secretary one year to study reimbursement rate.

·         Permits grants to be used for construction of new facilities.

·         Expands special needs grants by including males with children, allowing dependents to directly receive services. 

·         Builds out HUD-VASH to 60,000 vouchers by fiscal year 2013.

·         Establishes a Special Assistant for Veterans Affairs within HUD.

·         $50 million through fiscal year 2014 to prevent Veteran homelessness.

·         $10 million through fiscal year 2014 for reintegration of homeless women veteran (includes job training, counseling, placement services and child care.

·         Establishes a method for data collection and aggregation of homeless veterans participating in VA and HUD programs.

·         Directs VA secretary to submit a comprehensive plan to end vet homelessness to Congress within one year.  (S 1237)

     Because these bills were not approved during the 111^th Congress they will have to be rewritten and/or reintroduced. Despite the setback some of the provisions have been enacted. There are new registries, a Special Needs Assistance Program Director for HUD has been announced, nearly 4,300 points of contacts have been established for homeless veterans including VA medical centers, community outreach centers, outpatient clinics and counseling centers. 

  

   Wouldn’t you know it though, before new legislation has even been introduced, there has already been a “pay cut”.  The National Coalition for Homeless Veterans announced on March 1, 2011, that the U.S. House of representatives passed an act that would eliminate $75 million dollars for approximately 60,000 new supportive housing vouchers for chronically homeless veterans in fiscal year 2011.  These are the same vouchers used in the collaborative efforts between the Department of Labor, Housing and Urban Development, and the Veterans Administration which has assisted thousands of Veterans in moving off the streets. 

  

  Politicans could not manage being cold, hungry, looking over their shoulder just to make sure they are safe. It would take fortitude to find something to eat, aptitude to adjust to little clothing and lesser warmth at night.  They will never be honest and admit they can’t and don’t understand the plight of the homeless because they haven’t been there, or anywhere close.  They don’t understand PTSD, addiction, or mental illness. They can’t fathom the idea of living in a car, under a bridge, in an abandoned building and resorting to  “any means necessary” to survive is inconceivable to them. Selling or running drugs, stealing or selling yourself just to get your next meal is unfathomable to their flawed minds.

  

  These are the men and women who have dinners at places where food is $250 per plate.  These are men and women who buy gowns that cost thousands of dollars and wear them only once.  These are men and women who raise millions of dollars to get elected and then claim they are just like you, they understand you, and they represent you. Excuse me while I laugh.

 

  It is the same people that have taken housing from these “guardians of your liberties” and allocated money you pay every year to their pet projects, those who donate to their campaigns, dinner at those high priced plates, and those who lobby the hardest for something they want.

   

     It is our responsibility to be the voice for the men and women who truly served this country not just provided lip service.  We are obligated to lobby on their behalf by speaking up and telling those who sit on Capitol Hill we refuse to allow this reprehensible circumstance continue.

   It doesn’t require travel.  It doesn’t require money. Well, maybe a stamp, opening your email, or making a telephone call.  Don’t think “awh, someone else will do it” because then our voice becomes only a whisper.  We need to be Loud and we need to be Strong.  Washington should hear all Americans when we say: “This should be a priority when you budget OUR money! Reprioritize and send the message to us all, “ I serve those who have served me, I no longer serve myself!” 

H.Res. 4810,111^th Cong., 111Cong.Rec.111-449 (2010) Referred to Committee on Veterans Affairs

National Center on Homelessness Among Veterans. (2009) Veteran Homelessness: A Supplemental Report to the 2009 Annual Homeless Assessment Report to Congress. (First Supplemental) [Adobe  Reader Version].  Retrieved from http://www.hudhre.info/documents/2009AHARVeteransReports.pdf

National Coalition for Homeless Veterans. (2010). Testimony before the U.S. Senate Committee      on Veterans’ Affairs.  Retrieved from website://httpwww.nchv.org/content.cfm?id=92

National Coalition for Homeless Veterans (2011) House Cuts 10,000 New Housing Vouchers for Homeless Veterans in FY 2011. Retrieved from http://www.nchv.org/news_article.cfm?id=869

Office on Community Planning and Development. (2009) Veteran Homelessness: A Supplemental Report to the 2009 Annual Homeless Assessment Report to Congress. (First Supplemental) [Adobe  Reader Version].  Retrieved from http://www.hudhre.info/documents/2009AHARVeteransReports.pdf

S.1237.111^th Cong.,Cong.Rec.D60 (2010) Business Meeting, Homeless Veterans and Other Veterans Health Care Authorities Act of 2010

U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (2009) Veteran Homelessness: A Supplemental Report to the 2009 Annual Homeless Assessment Report to Congress. (First Supplemental) [Adobe  Reader Version].  Retrieved from http://www.hudhre.info/documents/2009AHARVeteransReports.pdf

U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (2009) Veteran Homelessness: A Supplemental Report to the 2009 Annual Homeless Assessment Report to Congress. (First Supplemental) [Adobe  Reader Version].  Retrieved from http://www.hudhre.info/documents/2009AHARVeteransReports.pdf

Wilborn, T. (2010, Jan. Feb) Homeless Veterans. Disabled American Veterans (DAV) 14-15

AUTHOR: GEM's Sparkle