One of the great things about having PTSD and Bi-Polar
disorder is sometimes your brain will not shut up. It doesn’t matter how many medicines are in your cabinet, and it doesn’t
matter if the sun is coming up and your body is exhausted, there is no such
thing as rest.
Stress is a factor
when you this happens, but really what is the definition of stress? For me it is different from you.
So I am up tonight with a brain that just won’t shut up.
For five months I have been putting up with neighbors who
were not raised with any respect for others.
I have called the cops over and over due to their 2 and 3 a.m. noise in
the middle of the week. They didn’t get
the hint until about a week ago when I told the officer I had finally had more
than I could handle.
Breaking down into
tears in front of a police officer while we stood in front of the certificates
I have saying I am a former law enforcement officer myself was damn near humiliating. But I just couldn’t take anymore, even
knowing I only had until the middle of March before my lease was up. My landlord has been good enough to let me
out of my lease on the first. But you
can damn well bet if the courts call me in regards to the neighbors I will be
in court on the 16th.
Last summer I took a job with a company that was just
starting out. I trusted that those who
were running the company knew what they were doing. Boy was I wrong on that count. When I had worked for 30 days and didn’t have
a paycheck they offered me “part of the company”. I had a very good friend remind me that 10%
of nothing is NOTHING. By the time it
was all said and done they owed me a little over $1,000.
But here is the kicker.
I had been living in housing where my rent was based off of my
income. When I took the job I did what I
was supposed to do and I reported the increase.
That would have raised my rent to much more than I could afford with
even both jobs…..so I moved. Then when I
didn’t get a paycheck it has been all I can do to even try to make my monthly
rent payments. In fact, truth be told, I
am about $1,000 behind.
Thankfully, I have a whole lot of documentation on the event
and the State Program that this housing is under is willing to give me the
chance to pay it back to them in installments.
But it is still frustrating-I should never have moved, and I should have
been paid.
When the company didn’t pay me what they owed me in the
first 30 days after I filed a wage claim the state added $750 to their bill. When that didn’t get paid they made a payment
arrangement with the company for $200 per month. Now that pissed me off but okay, right? WRONG!
They didn’t even make that payment.
So they have now placed a lien against the company and it’s owner which
is supposed to be getting 5.25% interest per day. Problem is, the company is an LLC and while I
don’t understand all of the workings I have learned enough to know all they
have to do is claim bankruptcy, close the company down, and I am screwed. BUT then they can even open up under the same
name doing the same business.
If you know much of anything about my history you know that
my daughters and I have had infrequent contact while they were growing up. I am finally in a position where I can return
to Oregon/Washington and be 3-5 hours away instead of 18. Currently, there are 41 applications out there
with the federal government and I have been referred to 10. Many are still pending review. Interesting though that many of the ones I
have been referred to are with the Veterans Administration. There is another if you know me that would be
the place for me.
I spent months trying to figure out how I would travel over
there should I be offered a job. I have
a very dear friend who sells cars for a living.
He knew all the circumstances and called me one day last week and I came
home with a 2006 Ford Taurus. Payments
start on the first of March. (Due on the 20th, but having them taken
out of my check so I don’t see them, and I can’t spend the money elsewhere and
then panic on the 18th)
So I am moving out of here by the end of the weekend and I
am moving in with my parents. The idea
is that I will save some money to make the trip when there is finally a
job. But there is a problem.
I thought I would be “proactive” and find something
temporary just to put a few dollars in my pocket. I did find a job. But I have never been good with numbers, and
my memory is shit even when it is something I enjoy doing sometimes. Of the 6 I hired on with, one is gone,
another one told me today he is gone as soon as this pay period is over. It is a data entry position and I work from
2-10:30pm.
I am so frustrated that I can’t remember all the codes. Even more frustrating is this whole idea that
we should be able to preview and code 27 pages per minute. Not going to happen for this kid. I am too detail oriented, and I believe in
getting the job done thoroughly and right the first time.
I think the other problem is that you are so restricted to
your desk all day long. I am used to an environment
where I can get up and move around if something becomes a little boring,
confusing or even overwhelming for a minute.
I am also not in the habit of clocking in and out for every little thing
I do. A duty day was just that, a duty
day. You were trusted to get the work
done in the time allotted or in a reasonable period. That is just something this job doesn’t
allow.
So, I can make the first car payment, and I can even make
the rest of the down payment to the party I owe that too when I don’t have
rent. But there are other obligations I
still have to meet. My phone and
catching up all the other bills I will be leaving behind.
I can do it all on the income I have from the federal
government BUT I won’t be saving any money.
I think the 2-10:30 is part of what is wreaking havoc with
me and I am feeling “off”. I think I am
frustrated that the government works so slow and I just want to be able to see
my daughters “yesterday”. And then
there are the bills I know are out there.
I am literally giving everything in my house away and will
have a fresh start but I want that fresh start soon.
Part of that fresh start has to do with the death of a
relationship I never thought would happen.
I don’t even know what went wrong.
I have no clue why all of sudden hearing my voice means it is time to
hang the phone up. I have no clue why
there has been no email or any other communication. I just know what I had is gone, and it
disappeared over night.
My “army brothers” will tell you it was for the best. They didn’t like what they were hearing, but
that doesn’t mean it isn’t upsetting.
This was not an overnight, flash in the pan, relationship. It was something we worked hard at for years
and then it just disappeared and I still don’t know why.
If he wanted to give me incentive for a fresh start he certainly
did that.
So what is keeping me up?
Do I stay with this job that I find so frustrating? One that I really am miserable doing? If I am this miserable is that adding to the
stress that I really should avoid?
Will I be able to come up with the money if I do leave this
job to make the move?
When will my state tax refund show up so I can pay off some
bills? Will it even show up since the
state claims my taxes in 2008 were not enough?
Can I find a more suitable temporary job-one more similar to
secretarial work where I can get up from my desk and (and I can’t believe I am
saying this) file or run mail etc.?
If I don’t make the right choices and changes will I put one
foot in the grave of starting over? I
can’t afford to move away from my family and have my life fall apart. I surely don’t want to have my daughters
placed in a position where they have to rescue Mom.
I could go on and on.
Insomnia is what some people get. Man, I would love that problem. At least then I could take one of my favorite
books to bed with me and have a great “date” with a handsome man.
