What I am getting extremely frustrated with is the emails that come back saying "you were qualified but you weren't the best qualified", or what they call "BQ". Only the people on the BQ list make it past the first set of referrals and move to interviews and background checks.
I did have one interview and the lady said she actually believed I was "over-qualified" for the position. She asked me if I was offered the job would I be willing to stay with it for a significant amount of time. I told her I would be more than willing to as really right now my sole purpose it to put myself into a position to see my daughters more frequently that I have in the last 10 years.
I also told her that I want to come to work for the VA. I explained I am an adamant and vocal person when it comes to the plight of many veterans. They are not receiving their benefits in a timely manner. They are not receiving them at all-some when they need them the most. There are even those of us who served at Ft. McClellan where all the evidence points to the fact that we were poisoned during our stay there, that the VA and the government refuses to admit to what happened to us, yet has paid the town of Anniston (just outside of Ft. McClellan) millions in damages. Veterans and their families are being completely ignored.
I also was forthcoming with the fact that I suffer from PTSD and Bi-Polar and I know how difficult it can be to say "I need help" because many veterans are "too strong" to say anything as they fear it will make them appear weak. That attitude is killing 27 veterans a day...we are losing them to suicide.
Until you have looked at that bottle of pills, another bottle of alcohol, a combination, or even more frightening the barrel of a gun, you can not understand the depths and despair that are overwhelming.
I also explained that while I would not have a "day job" helping people in these predicaments, having been there and still putting one foot in front of the other every day to "Live" and not just "Exist" I find conversations "veteran to veteran" often is the beginning of the road to recovery.
As a self defense instructor for the Federal Bureau of Prisons part of my responsibility was to teach staff how to "deescalate" volatile situations. The urge to take one's own life in my book has to be the most "volatile" situation there is. Working in a VA hospital volunteering for projects where I can take my darkness and show someone else there is light is the whole reason I want to work around veterans.
I haven't heard a word back. I spend every day I don't get a return phone call wondering if I revealed too much? Should I not say anything about being a VA Patient myself? But if I don't and for some reason it creates a problem down the road isn't that frustrating to the person who felt I could handle the responsibilities? Doesn't that seem like I misrepresented my abilities?
Bi-Polar and PTSD keep many people from work. But there are just as many, if not more who do function, and function well at their jobs. Sometimes it is all about accepting that you are going to have to be a bit "creative" to get through your day and remain healthy.
I had a very good friend tell me recently that I had to remember my first priority has to be me. I don't know many people who are honestly and truthfully good at doing that. We want so badly to be the good spouse, significant other, parent, friend that we forget to be the same for ourselves.
So, by that same token, when we realize our limitations and we decide that doing something for ourselves it can bring out the best or the worst in others. Personally, when I made the decision that I wanted to make the move to Washington or Oregon to work on reestablishing relationships with my daughters, that were severely damaged when I was in the deepest throws of both illnesses, my boyfriend decided it wasn't something he was willing to do with me.
Shortly after I realized that was going to be the case I heard a song lyric that has stuck with me....
The day I never thought I could get through...I got over you.
How right. How many days (long before he decided to leave) did I wish I would never see another sunrise? How many days did I wonder if life, the complete hell that it was, was worth living? Would I ever find the strength to move past the darkness and become a whole person again?
The day I never thought I could get through....I got over you.
So I am trying to teach myself to take the time to remember that the good things in life are not about IF they are about WHEN.
Everyone should find that point in life where picking up the pieces and moving on is what gets you out of bed, even if your ass is still dragging just a bit, but knowing, not trying to convince yourself, that there are good people, good things, and positive lives in this world.
Everything in life is an IF it is only strong will and determination to make it a WHEN. No matter what the situation may be.
GEM's Girl
