Journal Entry 1

There are still many stigmas in the world regarding mental illness.  It is just that, an illness.  Like diabetes requires insulin and heart patients use aspirin those who suffer from mental illness must watch what they eat, their daily schedule and take life one step at a time. There are many dangers that you can't see.

     From personal experience, I know the devastation Bi-Polar and PTSD has on a person, a marriage and a family.  There are memories I should remember and I can't. Feelings very few people truly can understand.  My whole life, it seemed, there was always something else at work I couldn't grasp.

     Even after my diagnosis, my struggle was long and difficult.  It has cost me many things that are very dear to my heart.  Some of those things, like my daughters high school years that I missed, can never be repeated.  I missed first dates.  I missed Prom's.  I missed making my daughters relationship one with many positive memories meaning that relationship will never be the same.

       Why?  Because I was selfish.  I could handle life on my own.  I didn't need anyone, that would mean I was weak.

      But it cost me everything for awhile.

      Over the years there have been some who have been there in my darkest hours.  Some that have stood by me no matter if I was Manic or Depressed.  Some who worried because they knew I was in danger but I couldn't see it. There are some who will forever stand out in my mind because they saved my life, both in the literal and the physical sense of the word. I can never repay them for that debt.

      I have learned to live with many things that I try hard not to think about because it just hurts too damn bad.  There are days when getting out of bed seems worthless and counter productive.  There are others where I think I can take anything the world can throw at me.  And then there are days where I feel nothing.  I want to stop taking my medications because I hate having a life ruled by bottles of pills.  But I know the true dangers if I don't.  So I stand at the sink, count them out and swallow all at once before I talk myself out of taking them.

      I have learned too to appreciate some of the smallest things in life that I believe many miss because for them it has never been something they lost, or something that you just held onto because you knew it would be the only reason you had to face another day.

    This blog is for myself primarily.  A way for me to speak about all of the things this illness has done to me, to my life.  How it makes me who I am, and why I do some of the things I do.

     But, it is also for others who are either a part of my life and have helped me come to the point of stability, those whom I will always love, and those who I will forever cherish.

     If you have never listened to someone who suffers from either of these illnesses I hope that as time moves forward and I create each new post, you will gain some understanding of what life is like on the side of the fence so many people will never see.

    I would hope that you will take away a compassion and understanding that makes you think twice about that person who acts strange.  I would hope I can foster a respect for the fact everyone has their own demons to face and that just because someone looks ok, many, millions, are hoping to just get themselves through another 10 minutes of life.  I would hope you will start to appreciate some of the smallest things in life you don't even realize you have.

    I hope along the way you can laugh and learn, cry a tear or two, but most of all see things from a perspective of two illnesses that can't be seen, that are often misunderstood, and that someone you know may be experiencing, but you are not aware of.

                                                                      GEMS's Girl