Not long ago the Diagnostic Statical Manual which psychiatrists use when diagnosing patients called the illness I have Manic / Depressive. I don't know if the American Psychiatric association just needed a more politically correct term or if they realized that those two words don't cover everything this illness has to offer.
While I in no means deny that there are both the manic and the depressive side to this illness, there are two other states in this illness that often prove to be deadlier. Mixed Manic and Mixed Depressive.
Consider all the jokes and movies in the world that are centered around the gathering of the family. There is always the person who is a smart ass, a pain in the ass, a dumb ass, and then those who appear to be normal just trying to hold onto some sanity.
Welcome to the world of "Mixed". The only difference here is that all of those emotions happen for just one person. Now put all of that in a short period of time, days, hours or even minutes.
People who suffer from the illness will tell you it is like being on an emotional swing. The dog curls up next to you and you break out in tears because she is the only being that you feel has truly been loyal. You then proceed to use her coat as a tissue. Minutes later you are laughing and joking on the phone with someone and your day couldn't be better. Shortly after you hang up the phone you don't know what you are feeling, and you don't care if you never feel again, all of it is confusing and it hurts. But it doesn't quit, sometimes it gets worse and starts happening faster.
Now this type of thing, I am told, happens to "normal" people every now and then too. But imagine fighting not to live like that every day of your life.
Statistically it is this mixed state where most patients face the most danger. The high leads to risky behavior such as casual, multiple partner sex or the low leads over-spending that cripples a budget and provides no real substance.
Been there, done that, and I have multiple t-shirts on both subjects. Please don't think I am proud of that fact, on either side, but the reality is I have done it. What feels good at the moment has impact that lasts long past that, It kills many good things.
When you hear people with this illness say they "Don't feel alive" while they are on the medications are really telling you they have become numb.
I don't know how to describe that feeling to someone who doesn't life with it. I guess the best example I can give is think about a tragic event that has happened in your life, or learning of something that stunned you. Now, imagine that state for an extended period of time. Long periods of time.
I am by no means saying you can't function like this, but sometimes all you do is function. Bed, breakfast, work, lunch, work, television (family) bed. While many normal people live this way for someone who is treated to stay in the same "mood" it gets difficult to function if you aren't willing to let those around you help make a difference in your life.
It is those people around you that pull you out of that slump today, and calm you down tomorrow. It is these people that teach you how to quit analyzing everything because life feels so out of control most of the time emotionally that any upset or unknown is scary as hell. These people also teach you to manage other parts of your life.
But it takes their toll on them too. Living with them (I am guessing) has to be like having the illness yourself. It has to be a struggle to maintain their own stability and sanity while they watch a loved one like one would watch a child. I would imagine the need to keep the person safe from themselves is much harder than it sounds, probably because it isn't temporary it is permanent.
But from this side of the fence, it is those people who stand next to you, that teach you the most. I have learned many lessons once I admitted I needed help. While some were easy to see on my own others I needed help with. When I admitted I need help and I allowed myself to accept it, my life again became something worth living for.
As time passed and the same person was there over and over even after being treated despicably I finally learned what loyalty and true friendship is all about. That was one of the first steps in healing. But don't be fooled, I didn't realize it for a long time, nor did I take the first step not to lose that friendship until it was nearly too late. I am amazed on a daily basis and I cannot convince myself I will ever find the words or the way to say thank you enough.
AUTHOR: GEM's Sparkle
My Open Book of Life: Living With Mental Illness and the Fight for Ft. McClellan Veteran Justice
