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Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
Would things have been different?
For those who knew me they know that my divorce was
simple. We agreed we wanted the
divorce. I typed the papers up, we
submitted them to the Judge on a Thursday and they were signed the following
Tuesday.
It wasn’t until two years later that things turned ugly and
bitter. The state did a review of our
divorce papers and decided child support should be added. When we initially filed we both just wanted
out. We were then making the same amount
of money-ironically working the same job at the same Correctional Institution.
We agreed to no child support going either way.
The state felt differently.
This was the beginning of a long nasty battle.
I left my job at the prison when the stress from work, and
the stress from this child support drove me to feeling and attempting suicide.
I will never forget that night. I was the one who called the ambulance when I
realized I couldn’t do this to my daughters nor to my best friend.
Shortly after I arrived at the hospital there were 2
Associate Wardens and my direct supervisor in the lobby of the emergency
room. As I was choking down the charcoal
the nurse came in and told me there were people who were asking to see me. She told me that I didn’t have to let them in
if I didn’t want to. I asked her to
please wait a few minutes and let me choke down the nasty black liquid. Several minutes later she came in and told me
they were being persistent as they needed some information from me. I told her to let them come back.
I will never forget as all three of them entered the room
and my department associate warden’s question was “is this because of anything
to do with an inmate?” When I answered
no he sat down on the edge of the bed and took my hand asking me “why when
there is so much to live for, my children, my family and anyone who loved me
would I do something like this?” I told
him I couldn’t give him a rational answer.
There wasn’t one.
I explained my daughters were with their father for the
night, I had been stressed and I had crawled into a bottle or two of
alcohol. I didn’t want to feel
anything. I wanted to be numb. When the alcohol didn’t work I found what I
could in the medicine cabinet.
Several hours later I was moved to another hospital so I could
be kept under psychiatric care for a period of time.
While I was in the hospital the psychiatrist and my
supervisor came down for a visit. I
commented that I had not seen my children in the time I had been there even
though I had left repeated requests to see them.
The following day my ex brought my daughters to see me.
I learned later that my boss and associate warden (who was
also over my ex’s department) had told them if he did not want to bring the
children to me they would be happy to.
During this stay in the hospital I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was started on medications for
depression. The prescriptions I had at
the time were not available in generic form, so AFTER my insurance paid their 80%
my portion was still nearly $200 every
month.
If I had pulled my head out of my ass I would have gone to
the VA hospital and worked with them on purchasing my prescriptions and seeing
an out-patient psychiatrist. But I didn’t
so the bills were piling up around me.
Shortly after I was swimming in bills I had to put a space
heater in one small room of my house and feed my children nothing but cold
sandwiches, fruits and vegetables that did not need to be cooked as I had no
electricity. My neighbors kindly ran an
extension cord for us to live in that room.
On another occasion it was the water bill I couldn’t /didn’t
pay and we had to go to the institution’s gym to shower.
Knowing what I do now, had I been working with the Veterans
Administration I could have been moved into a fiduciary program where my bills
and spending could be overseen by someone other than myself. Years later I would be involved in this
program with one of my friends overseeing it all. Having a clear head and someone who is better
at math than I am kept me above water and taught me how to budget out.
It has been years since I have been officially on the VA Program,
but I still have someone who manages the money.
He sends me a list of how to pay the bills, and tells me what I can
spend on groceries. I send him copies of
all the receipts just to keep me honest.
Like a snowball my world seemed to be falling in. I remember one day the Warden pulled me aside
and asked if he could speak with me for a moment. My boss got a terrified look on his face
wondering I am sure what was up.
The Warden commented to me that for as bitter as our child
support/child custody battle was becoming he was very impressed that we could
manage to maintain an extremely professional relationship at work. I told him it was because we had been married
in the same unit in Germany and our military work relationship was coming
through.
Our child support hearings had turned to child custody. See, after I went into the hospital my ex
believed I was no longer fit to be a parent to my daughters.
He hired the most notorious attorney in the area. My hand was forced and I had to hire one just
to keep the playing field level. She \subpoenaed my boss, the 2 associate
Wardens, the institution psychiatrist just for starters.
When we sat down to do a deposition before trial she asked
for two days. My attorney told her he
would let her know. 20 minutes into the proceeding
he made his first call to the judge asking about her line of questioning, Let’s just say it wasn’t his only objection
to her line of thinking.
Anyone who has sat on the other side of the court with her
(I know a few) will tell you this woman makes bitch sound like a wonderful
smelling rose.
So as she filed motion after motion after motion and then
subpoenaed more and more people my bills were adding up so fast just the basics
were well out of my reach. We were
living on rice and macaroni, maybe I had a little meat to throw in here and
there, but that was few and far between.
I had no choice I had to come up with money. First I sold my guns. Second I sold my living room furniture. Then I sold the t.v. Eventually I sold the piano my grandfather
had given my mother and I for my 8th birthday. The day that happened I cried until I threw
up. I just prayed my grandfather would
understand.
Sitting with a psychiatrist every week didn’t seem to make
anything move better. It just felt like
it was getting worse.
Finally, I made the decision to leave the job. I had no idea where I would go or what I
would do, I just couldn’t work there anymore.
Eventually I was offered a job in Salt Lake City, Utah. This would mean a move from Oregon.
I was under the understanding that my youngest daughter
would join me and her sister after she finished the volleyball season. That never happened. In fact over the course of the next 5-6 years we lost complete communication.
I can’t tell you much about what happened in Salt Lake
Ciity. My oldest daughter has told me
some stories of what happened-I have no recollection of most of it.
Eventually I started to slide again. I remember one or two trips to the emergency
room but my daughter has had to fill in the rest of the blanks for me. She tells me it was almost daylight and we
had been at the hospital all night and the nurse/case worker hadn’t been seen
for hours but when she did come back she had all the paperwork ready for my
signature to travel up the hill to the VA and become enrolled in their system. During my first intake process they looked at many medical records I had and I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder.
It wasn’t long after that I called my parents and I did the
one thing I had sworn I would never do, I moved back to my hometown. The same one that at the age of 19 I felt
like I was suffocating, felt like if I didn’t leave then there would be no
tomorrow.
So my daughter and I stayed with my parents for several months
until my VA and my Federal Employee Disability checks became regular.
Circumstances I am not willing to talk about at this point
happened any my ex-husband and his girlfriend showed up on my doorstep one
morning and my daughter left with them to go back to Oregon.
I ended up in a local hospital psych ward for a week not to
long after that,
Things just got worse.
Several court hearings later I was told that even though I
made $17,300 to his nearly $60,000 I would pay HIM child support in the amount
of $133 per month. When I argued that if
I paid that and all my bills it would only leave me with $25 per month, the
judge told me I needed to get my priority set right. As a government employee and VA you know it
came out of my checks without any choice. Eventually they would garnish my
paycheck for $266 after my youngest child turned 18 and they wanted to close
the case it took nearly 8 months.
I was also told that if I wanted to see my children I would
have to pay for their travel.
My visitation was interrupted more than once. When I couldn’t afford to buy the tickets I
would get nasty letters about NOT WANTING to see the kids.
One year I had purchased the girls tickets to come for a
vacation for Christmas break. I drove
for nearly 5 hours or more in a driving show storm to the airport. I had traveled early just to be safe, The next morning my youngest daughter called
me on the phone and told me her flight had been delayed due to the
weather. I told her that was ok I was
already there.
She then told me that “Dad needs to leave so he can get to
Grandma and Grandpa’s in Vegas” I asked
multiple times to have her dad come to the phone and he refused. She then told me he wouldn’t wait. I told her to hold on I would call her back
in a minute. After talking with a loved
one I called her back and I told her to tell her Dad that I would put the gas
in his truck buy the food for the trip if he would drive from Portland to
Boise.
He refused. He drove
down through California and over to Vegas taking both girls with him. One ticket was later used by my daughters
best friend to come for a visit with me.
Unfortunately this was common over the years. It is what drove me. Anger. Deep seeded anger, It held me together because there was nothing else
Both of my girls stopped talking to me even when they were
hearing from me daily in mailed notes.
Well at least I was sending them.
Years later I was told that they didn’t think I loved them, that
I didn’t want anything to do with them.
I missed my youngest daughters high school years in part
because we didn’t talk.
Finally I am building some rapport with both but I have to
wonder will it ever be the same? How badly did I screw up my kids by being sick
and not realizing it?
December 17, 2013 would have been our 22 anniversary. If I had been diagnosed long before I was,
when I was first married or the classic symptoms started would we still be
married.
Lately that question has haunted me.
He has not said a single work to me in 10 years. It is either the children or an
attorney. I left my daughters graduation
in a hurry just to avoid confrontation. I am not looking forward to being in a
happy occasion for our children when there is so much that has been said and
done.
But he keeps showing up in my dreams. When I sleep I find myself walking through
everything that was good without remembering the bad. I blame (when awake and asleep) a lot of what
happened on myself and the symptoms of my disorder, But I have to ask myself would we have made it
if I wasn’t sick? Here is a man I
developed a great distaste for over the years but he has not dated hardly at
all from what I am told.
I was also told by my daughter that her grandfather had
split my ex and woman from Korea up. He
was stationed there and he fell in love with a young woman. Very pretty I came across several pictures
over the years. But my ex father in law
convinced my ex that all she wanted was a green card and then she would leave
him, My ex left her behind.
I was a woman that was approved of until I got sick and this
illness took over my life.
So why am I dreaming of what could have been? In some
strange way do I still love him or have I finally accepted I broke his heart as
badly as he broke mine? He once told me he would never remarry if we
split up he wouldn't be like his sister on marriage number 4. I used to
wish him misery but I can't find it in myself anymore. I have no answers
for those questions.
I can say I have been blessed though every dark day, for every bitter word, every lost memory I did have a wonderful person who never left my side even when I was horrible to him. I still struggle with my emotions and frequently I still am ignorant, angry and mistrusting, sometimes give him much worse than he deserves, but then he often deserves better than me.
Saturday, December 14, 2013
Rates Of PTSD and Bi-Polar Comorbidity
Studies of bipolar patients have documented elevated rates of PTSD. Based on our review, representing 1214 bipolar patients, the mean prevalence of PTSD in bipolar patients is 16.0% (95% CI: 14-18%), a rate that is roughly double the lifetime prevalence for PTSD in the general population. Risk factors for PTSD that are also characteristic of bipolar samples include the presence of multiple axis I disorders, greater trauma exposure, elevated neuroticism and lower extraversion, and lower social support and socio-economic status.
Sleep Dialing 9-1-1
While Bi-Polar and PTSD are truly intrusive on the lives of
patients and friends it does have some lighter moments from time to time.
Several years ago my doctors had changed my medicines after
I could no longer take lithium. One medicine
in particular says in the side effect listing that it will give you strange
illnesses. Just what someone who suffers
from nightmares and daymares need right?
I had turned in for the night about 10pm or so. Several hours later I began to dream that
someone was on top of me. I struggled
but I couldn’t move my shoulders off mattress.
I remember rolling to my left and stretching for my cell phone. I watched my fingers walk, no crawl, to the
phone.
I flipped the phone open and I dialed 9-1-1. It was a female dispatcher who answered the
phone.
When she asked me what my emergency was I told her I was
being held down to my mattress. That I
couldn’t breathe because I was losing the air to my lungs.
She asked me if I could describe the person. I told her it was too dark and he was either
masked or my eyes were blindfolded I couldn’t tell which. I remember starting to gasp for air and she asked if the
other party could hear me, was the phone on speaker? I told her I didn’t think so it was so close
to my ear. She told me to breathe with her counting and that there was help on
the way.
Being a very small town with not a whole lot of crime many
still leave their doors unlocked when they go to bed. She asked me if mine was open. I told her no (I can’t sleep unless I know
everything is secure). Since it wasn’t
she asked me if there was any other way responders could enter.
I told her I thought I could reach the lock on the
window. Still thinking I was fighting
someone off I somehow opened the window.
She told me they were seconds out stay on the line with her until they
got to me.
My next recollection is a pair of hi-tech books coming
through my window and using my nightstand as a step down.
Moments later I recall opening my eyes and at the foot of my
bed there were two paramedics, two firefighters and two police officers.
I looked at all of them with surprise (I am told) and asked
them what they were doing in my house.
They told me I had called 9-1-1 telling them there was someone in my
house, did I know where he went. I am
told I my face showed nothing but confusion.
They asked me again and I told them I didn’t know.
One of the paramedics suggested I needed to go to the
hospital and get checked out.
I reached onto the nightstand and I showed them the “warning”
labels that come with your medications.
I told them in the listings that it would cause strange dreams. They checked me out just to be sure I had
didn’t have any other reactions.
I have never been so embarrassed in my tired life.
It wasn’t funny that night, but I can laugh at it now.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Complex PTSD
I am considered mentally ill, stigmatized by society, it's ironic, for this same society is the one responsible for my condition. Complex PTSD cam into play by what society, systems, government and others have done to me for 45 years. Even now they continue to contribute to this condition.
I did not ask for the panic attacks, the dissociative episodes, the nightmares, the daymares, limited sleep, fear and inability to trust, the isolation, the emotional upheaval, the scenes of traumas being relived over and over, never ending as my mind does not have an off switch.
I did not ask for my reality to be blurred and distorted. I did not ask for all my physical afflictions. I did not ask to have my identity stripped from me so I do not know who to be and what to feel, what to think and what to do.
I was molded and remolded by others like putty in their hands. My days are spent working hard in therapy to try and undo the damage that has been done to me throughout my life. Medications offer limited help, it does not fix the problem.
Only time can heal me.
Bonnie L. Machia
~Newspaper
~Counterpoint
**Thank you Eliza for sharing this article**
I did not ask for the panic attacks, the dissociative episodes, the nightmares, the daymares, limited sleep, fear and inability to trust, the isolation, the emotional upheaval, the scenes of traumas being relived over and over, never ending as my mind does not have an off switch.
I did not ask for my reality to be blurred and distorted. I did not ask for all my physical afflictions. I did not ask to have my identity stripped from me so I do not know who to be and what to feel, what to think and what to do.
I was molded and remolded by others like putty in their hands. My days are spent working hard in therapy to try and undo the damage that has been done to me throughout my life. Medications offer limited help, it does not fix the problem.
Only time can heal me.
Bonnie L. Machia
~Newspaper
~Counterpoint
**Thank you Eliza for sharing this article**
Homeless Veterans and PTSD
There recently was a time heroes returning home in flag draped
coffins were denied dignity and respect. The public was not allowed to view,
through photographs, the riveting and thought provoking images of somber
solders in white gloves lifting a casket from the cargo area of planes as part
of a heroes’ final journey home. As a veteran my heart breaks and I cry for
every lost brother and sister. While the proper decorum has returned to such
circumstances there are still reprehensible circumstances occurring daily
regarding our former guardians. Currently there are approximately 107,000
veterans who live, eat, and sleep on the streets of America. (National Coalition for Homeless Veterans,
[NCHV] 2010).
Homeless Veterans
between the ages of 18 and 30, likely those veterans of Operation Iraqi Freedom
and Operation Enduring Freedom, are almost twice as likely to be homeless than
to be in the U.S. adult population. During 2009, more than 11,300 younger
veterans used a shelter. This may reflect the support available for returning
veterans as they exit the war zones. The risk ratio to become homeless is high
and the lag time between becoming a veteran and experiencing homelessness is
unclear. For this reason the number of
homeless veterans may increase in the future.
It has been determined
there are many differences between homeless veterans and homeless
non-veterans. When comparing the two
groups distinction can be seen in sex, age, substance abuse, education levels,
psychiatric illness, length of homelessness and even economic statues before
entering the military. Unique
circumstances such as combat exposure, post-traumatic-stress-disorder (PTSD)
may also have and indirect effect on veterans since they are associated with
social isolation. These circumstances
can result in psychiatric hospitalization increasing the risk of unemployment
or homelessness. (Office of Community Planning and Development [OCPD]; National
Center on Homelessness Among Veterans [NCHAV] U.S. Department of Housing and
Urban Development [HUD]; U.S. Department
of Veterans Affairs [VA], 2009).
Some distinct
differences are observed. A study
showed that female veterans are three to four times more likely to become
homeless than those who are not veterans.
Another study showed 61 percent of female homeless veterans are disabled
with 27 percent of those being service connected. One in four is unemployed and those who are
employed generally make less the $20,000 per year. More than half suffered military sexual
trauma, 58 percent have poor or fair health. All of the women in the study used
Veterans Administration health care, however, they additionally needed dental
care, mental health treatment and permanent housing. It is estimated there are currently 1,600
homeless female veterans. (Wilborn, 2010)
Normally homeless
veterans are individuals and not families.
The small number of those who are considered families are usually women
(59 percent) and not disabled.
Frequently the other families have two parents unlike non-veteran
homeless families. While these families
are typically inclined to be middle class once they become impoverished they
are a higher risk of becoming homeless.
(OCPD et, al, 2009). A Housing
and Urban Development Study found there are 1.3 million veterans living in
poverty and that at least one in 10 of them became homeless during 2009. (Wilborn,2010).
There can be no end to
this travesty until we, as a nation, stand together and address the needs of
those who have guarded all the things we hold so dear. “We the People” owe them everything we have,
are you willing to turn your back on them?
The time for complacency has passed. Henry Emerson Fosdick said “He who
chooses the beginning of the road chooses the place it leads to. It is the
means that determines the end”
No one is willing to
stand in a crowded room and shout “I want MORE taxes please”. Nor, are many of
us trusting that if governmental programs were created funding would be
appropriately spent. So when the words “spending” or “funding” or “new” are
heard from Capitol Hill there is almost and audible groan from sea to shining
sea. It was no different when the
current administration announced plans to establish programs through the Veterans
Administration (VA) and U.S. Department of Labor and Housing and Urban
Development (HUD), with the goal being to end veteran homelessness by 2015, was
announced.
What many Americans are
not aware of is the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, the
Veterans Administration and the U.S. Department of Labor have already been
working together for the last five years to provide transitional housing and
services for more than 100,00 veterans each year. This has changed the number of homeless veterans
sleeping on the streets of America from 250,000 in fiscal year 2004, to 107,000
today. (NCHV, 2009).
It is a continuation
of these efforts that the VA budgeted $3.5 billion dollars in 2010, to be used
over a 5 year period and proposed a $4.2 billion in 2011. The programs will track such things as the
numbers of homeless veterans and their needs, determine local priorities, and
the trends it needs to address. The health care program would identify those
who needed psychiatric or substance abuse and have contracts with local facilities
for such short term treatments. (Wilborn, 2010).
In the 111th
Congress (2010) two bills regarding this program were introduced to the house
and the Senate. In the house bill H.R.
4810 (End Veteran Homelessness Act of 2010) which would cost each adult
American $3 between 2010 and 2015. S, 1237 (Homeless Veterans and Other
Veterans Care Authorities Act of 2010).
H.R. 4810 (End Veteran
Homeless Act of 2010) would provide the following:
·
Grant and Per Diem at
$200 million in fiscal year 2010.
·
Participating Veteran
Administration Medical Centers (VAMC) employ at least one Housing Urban
Development-Veterans Administrative Supportive Housing Program (HUD-VASH)
out-reach specialist;
·
Coordinates assistance
for homeless veterans through HUD’s Homelessness Prevention and Rapid
Re-Housing Program. (HPRP). (House Bill 4810)
S 1237 ( Homeless
Veterans and Other Veterans Health Care Authorities Act of 2010) would provide
·
$200 million in fiscal
year 2010 and such necessary funds through fiscal year 2014.
·
Allows VA Secretary one
year to study reimbursement rate.
·
Permits grants to be
used for construction of new facilities.
·
Expands special needs
grants by including males with children, allowing dependents to directly
receive services.
·
Builds out HUD-VASH to
60,000 vouchers by fiscal year 2013.
·
Establishes a Special
Assistant for Veterans Affairs within HUD.
·
$50 million through
fiscal year 2014 to prevent Veteran homelessness.
·
$10 million through
fiscal year 2014 for reintegration of homeless women veteran (includes job
training, counseling, placement services and child care.
·
Establishes a method for
data collection and aggregation of homeless veterans participating in VA and
HUD programs.
·
Directs VA secretary to
submit a comprehensive plan to end vet homelessness to Congress within one
year. (S 1237)
Because these bills were not approved
during the 111th Congress they will have to be rewritten and/or
reintroduced. Despite the setback some of the provisions have been enacted.
There are new registries, a Special Needs Assistance Program Director for HUD
has been announced, nearly 4,300 points of contacts have been established for
homeless veterans including VA medical centers, community outreach centers,
outpatient clinics and counseling centers.
Wouldn’t you know it though, before new
legislation has even been introduced, there has already been a “pay cut”. The National Coalition for Homeless Veterans
announced on March 1, 2011, that the U.S. House of representatives passed an
act that would eliminate $75 million dollars for approximately 60,000 new
supportive housing vouchers for chronically homeless veterans in fiscal year
2011. These are the same vouchers used
in the collaborative efforts between the Department of Labor, Housing and Urban
Development, and the Veterans Administration which has assisted thousands of
Veterans in moving off the streets.
Politicans could not manage being cold,
hungry, looking over their shoulder just to make sure they are safe. It would
take fortitude to find something to eat, aptitude to adjust to little clothing
and lesser warmth at night. They will
never be honest and admit they can’t and don’t understand the plight of the
homeless because they haven’t been there, or anywhere close. They don’t understand PTSD, addiction, or
mental illness. They can’t fathom the idea of living in a car, under a bridge,
in an abandoned building and resorting to
“any means necessary” to survive is inconceivable to them. Selling or
running drugs, stealing or selling yourself just to get your next meal is
unfathomable to their flawed minds.
These are the men and women who have dinners
at places where food is $250 per plate.
These are men and women who buy gowns that cost thousands of dollars and
wear them only once. These are men and
women who raise millions of dollars to get elected and then claim they are just
like you, they understand you, and they represent you. Excuse me while I laugh.
It is the same people that have taken housing
from these “guardians of your liberties” and allocated money you pay every year
to their pet projects, those who donate to their campaigns, dinner at those
high priced plates, and those who lobby the hardest for something they want.
It is our responsibility to be the voice
for the men and women who truly served this country not just provided lip
service. We are obligated to lobby on
their behalf by speaking up and telling those who sit on Capitol Hill we refuse
to allow this reprehensible circumstance continue.
It doesn’t require travel. It doesn’t require money. Well, maybe a
stamp, opening your email, or making a telephone call. Don’t think “awh, someone else will do it”
because then our voice becomes only a whisper.
We need to be Loud and we need to be Strong. Washington should hear all Americans when we
say: “This should be a priority when you budget OUR money! Reprioritize
and send the message to us all, “ I serve those who have served me, I no longer
serve myself!”
H.Res. 4810,111th Cong., 111Cong.Rec.111-449 (2010)
Referred to Committee on Veterans Affairs
National Center on Homelessness Among Veterans. (2009) Veteran
Homelessness: A Supplemental Report to the 2009 Annual Homeless Assessment
Report to Congress. (First Supplemental) [Adobe Reader Version]. Retrieved from http://www.hudhre.info/documents/2009AHARVeteransReports.pdf
National Coalition for Homeless Veterans. (2010). Testimony
before the U.S. Senate Committee on Veterans’ Affairs. Retrieved from
website://httpwww.nchv.org/content.cfm?id=92
National Coalition for Homeless Veterans (2011) House Cuts
10,000 New Housing Vouchers for Homeless Veterans in FY 2011. Retrieved
from http://www.nchv.org/news_article.cfm?id=869
Office on Community Planning and Development. (2009) Veteran
Homelessness: A Supplemental Report to the 2009 Annual Homeless Assessment
Report to Congress. (First Supplemental) [Adobe Reader Version]. Retrieved from http://www.hudhre.info/documents/2009AHARVeteransReports.pdf
S.1237.111th Cong.,Cong.Rec.D60 (2010) Business
Meeting, Homeless Veterans and Other Veterans Health Care Authorities Act of
2010
U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development (2009) Veteran
Homelessness: A Supplemental Report to the 2009 Annual Homeless Assessment
Report to Congress. (First Supplemental) [Adobe Reader Version]. Retrieved from http://www.hudhre.info/documents/2009AHARVeteransReports.pdf
U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (2009) Veteran
Homelessness: A Supplemental Report to the 2009 Annual Homeless Assessment
Report to Congress. (First Supplemental) [Adobe Reader Version]. Retrieved from http://www.hudhre.info/documents/2009AHARVeteransReports.pdf
Wilborn, T. (2010, Jan. Feb) Homeless Veterans. Disabled
American Veterans (DAV) 14-15
AUTHOR: GEM's Sparkle
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