Up All Night

One of the great things about having PTSD and Bi-Polar disorder is sometimes your brain will not shut up.  It doesn’t matter how many  medicines are in your cabinet, and it doesn’t matter if the sun is coming up and your body is exhausted, there is no such thing as rest.

 Stress is a factor when you this happens, but really what is the definition of stress?  For me it is different from you.

So I am up tonight with a brain that just won’t shut up.

For five months I have been putting up with neighbors who were not raised with any respect for others.  I have called the cops over and over due to their 2 and 3 a.m. noise in the middle of the week.  They didn’t get the hint until about a week ago when I told the officer I had finally had more than I could handle.  

 Breaking down into tears in front of a police officer while we stood in front of the certificates I have saying I am a former law enforcement officer myself was damn near humiliating.  But I just couldn’t take anymore, even knowing I only had until the middle of March before my lease was up.  My landlord has been good enough to let me out of my lease on the first.  But you can damn well bet if the courts call me in regards to the neighbors I will be in court on the 16^th.

Last summer I took a job with a company that was just starting out.  I trusted that those who were running the company knew what they were doing.  Boy was I wrong on that count.  When I had worked for 30 days and didn’t have a paycheck they offered me “part of the company”.  I had a very good friend remind me that 10% of nothing is NOTHING.  By the time it was all said and done they owed me a little over $1,000.

But here is the kicker.  I had been living in housing where my rent was based off of my income.  When I took the job I did what I was supposed to do and I reported the increase.  That would have raised my rent to much more than I could afford with even both jobs…..so I moved.  Then when I didn’t get a paycheck it has been all I can do to even try to make my monthly rent payments.  In fact, truth be told, I am about $1,000 behind.  

Thankfully, I have a whole lot of documentation on the event and the State Program that this housing is under is willing to give me the chance to pay it back to them in installments.  But it is still frustrating-I should never have moved, and I should have been paid.

When the company didn’t pay me what they owed me in the first 30 days after I filed a wage claim the state added $750 to their bill.  When that didn’t get paid they made a payment arrangement with the company for $200 per month.  Now that pissed me off but okay, right?  WRONG!  They didn’t even make that payment.  So they have now placed a lien against the company and it’s owner which is supposed to be getting 5.25% interest per day.  Problem is, the company is an LLC and while I don’t understand all of the workings I have learned enough to know all they have to do is claim bankruptcy, close the company down, and I am screwed.  BUT then they can even open up under the same name doing the same business.  

If you know much of anything about my history you know that my daughters and I have had infrequent contact while they were growing up.  I am finally in a position where I can return to Oregon/Washington and be 3-5 hours away instead of 18.   Currently, there are 41 applications out there with the federal government and I have been referred to 10.  Many are still pending review.  Interesting though that many of the ones I have been referred to are with the Veterans Administration.  There is another if you know me that would be the place for me.

I spent months trying to figure out how I would travel over there should I be offered a job.  I have a very dear friend who sells cars for a living.  He knew all the circumstances and called me one day last week and I came home with a 2006 Ford Taurus.   Payments start on the first of March. (Due on the 20^th, but having them taken out of my check so I don’t see them, and I can’t spend the money elsewhere and then panic on the 18^th) 

So I am moving out of here by the end of the weekend and I am moving in with my parents.  The idea is that I will save some money to make the trip when there is finally a job.  But there is a problem.

I thought I would be “proactive” and find something temporary just to put a few dollars in my pocket.  I did find a job.  But I have never been good with numbers, and my memory is shit even when it is something I enjoy doing sometimes.  Of the 6 I hired on with, one is gone, another one told me today he is gone as soon as this pay period is over.  It is a data entry position and I work from 2-10:30pm.  

I am so frustrated that I can’t remember all the codes.  Even more frustrating is this whole idea that we should be able to preview and code 27 pages per minute.  Not going to happen for this kid.  I am too detail oriented, and I believe in getting the job done thoroughly and right the first time.  

I think the other problem is that you are so restricted to your desk all day long.  I am used to an environment where I can get up and move around if something becomes a little boring, confusing or even overwhelming for a minute.  I am also not in the habit of clocking in and out for every little thing I do.  A duty day was just that, a duty day.  You were trusted to get the work done in the time allotted or in a reasonable period.  That is just something this job doesn’t allow.

So, I can make the first car payment, and I can even make the rest of the down payment to the party I owe that too when I don’t have rent.  But there are other obligations I still have to meet.  My phone and catching up all the other bills I will be leaving behind.

I can do it all on the income I have from the federal government BUT I won’t be saving any money.

I think the 2-10:30 is part of what is wreaking havoc with me and I am feeling “off”.  I think I am frustrated that the government works so slow and I just want to be able to see my daughters “yesterday”.    And then there are the bills I know are out there.

I am literally giving everything in my house away and will have a fresh start but I want that fresh start soon.

Part of that fresh start has to do with the death of a relationship I never thought would happen.  I don’t even know what went wrong.  I have no clue why all of sudden hearing my voice means it is time to hang the phone up.  I have no clue why there has been no email or any other communication.  I just know what I had is gone, and it disappeared over night.

My “army brothers” will tell you it was for the best.  They didn’t like what they were hearing, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t upsetting.  This was not an overnight, flash in the pan, relationship.  It was something we worked hard at for years and then it just disappeared and I still don’t know why.

If he wanted to give me incentive for a fresh start he certainly did that.

So what is keeping me up?

Do I stay with this job that I find so frustrating?  One that I really am miserable doing?  If I am this miserable is that adding to the stress  that I really should avoid?

Will I be able to come up with the money if I do leave this job to make the move?

When will my state tax refund show up so I can pay off some bills?  Will it even show up since the state claims my taxes in 2008 were not enough?

Can I find a more suitable temporary job-one more similar to secretarial work where I can get up from my desk and (and I can’t believe I am saying this) file or run mail etc.?

If I don’t make the right choices and changes will I put one foot in the grave of starting over?  I can’t afford to move away from my family and have my life fall apart.  I surely don’t want to have my daughters placed in a position where they have to rescue Mom.

I could go on and on.  

Insomnia is what some people get.  Man, I would love that problem.  At least then I could take one of my favorite books to bed with me and have a great “date” with a handsome man.

The day I never thought I could get through...Is not IF but WHEN

Night after night, and day after day I have been sitting in front of this computer reading one job description and then another.  I know I am qualified for the position because it is in the same grade and the same series I was working when I left federal employment.

What I am getting extremely frustrated with is the emails that come back saying "you were qualified but you weren't the best qualified", or what they call "BQ".  Only the people on the BQ list make it past the first set of referrals and move to interviews and background checks.

I did have one interview and the lady said she actually believed I was "over-qualified" for the position.  She asked me if I was offered the job would I be willing to stay with it for a significant amount of time.  I told her I would be more than willing to as really right now my sole purpose it to put myself into a position to see my daughters more frequently that I have in the last 10 years.

I also told her that I want to come to work for the VA.  I explained I am an adamant and vocal person when it comes to the plight of many veterans.  They are not receiving their benefits in a timely manner.  They are not receiving them at all-some when they need them the most.  There are even those of us who served at Ft. McClellan where all the evidence points to the fact that we were poisoned during our stay there, that the VA and the government refuses to admit to what happened to us, yet has paid the town of Anniston (just outside of Ft. McClellan) millions in damages.  Veterans and their families are being completely ignored.

I also was forthcoming with the fact that I suffer from PTSD and Bi-Polar and I know how difficult it can be to say "I need help" because many veterans are "too strong" to say anything as they fear it will make them appear weak.  That attitude is killing 27 veterans a day...we are losing them to suicide.

Until you have looked at that bottle of pills, another bottle of alcohol, a combination, or even more frightening the barrel of a gun, you can not understand the depths and despair that are overwhelming.

I also explained that while I would not have a "day job" helping people in these predicaments, having been there and still putting one foot in front of the other every day to "Live" and not just "Exist" I find conversations "veteran to veteran" often is the beginning of  the road to recovery.

As a self defense instructor for the Federal Bureau of Prisons part of my responsibility was to teach staff how to "deescalate" volatile situations.  The urge to take one's own life in my book has to be the most "volatile" situation there is. Working in a VA hospital volunteering for projects where I can take my darkness and show someone else there is light is the whole reason I want to work around veterans.

I haven't heard a word back.  I spend every day I don't get a return phone call wondering if I revealed too much?  Should I not say anything about being a VA Patient myself?  But if I don't and for some reason it creates a problem down the road isn't that frustrating to the person who felt I could handle the responsibilities?  Doesn't that seem like I misrepresented my abilities?

Bi-Polar and PTSD keep many people from work.  But there are just as many, if not more who do function, and function well at their jobs.  Sometimes it is all about accepting that you are going to have to be a bit "creative" to get through your day and remain healthy.

I had a very good friend tell me recently that I had to remember my first priority has to be me.  I don't know many people who are honestly and truthfully good at doing that.  We want so badly to  be the good spouse, significant other, parent, friend that we forget to be the same for ourselves.

So, by that same token, when we realize our limitations and we decide that doing something for ourselves it can bring out the best or the worst in others.  Personally, when I made the decision that I wanted to make the move to Washington or Oregon to work on reestablishing relationships with my daughters, that were severely damaged when I was in the deepest throws of both illnesses, my boyfriend decided it wasn't something he was willing to do with me.

Shortly after I realized that was going to be the case I heard a song lyric that has stuck with me....

The day I never thought I could get through...I got over you. 

How right. How many days (long before he decided to leave) did I wish I would never see another sunrise?  How many days did I wonder if life, the complete hell that it was, was worth living?  Would I ever find the strength to move past the darkness and become a whole person again?

The day I never thought I could get through....I got over you.

So I am trying to teach myself to take the time to remember that the good things in life are not about IF they are about WHEN.

Everyone should find that point in life where picking up the pieces and moving on is what gets you out of bed, even if your ass is still dragging just a bit, but knowing, not trying to convince yourself, that there are good people, good things, and positive lives in this world.

Everything in life is an IF it is only strong will and determination to make it a WHEN.  No matter what the situation may be.

GEM's Girl