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Monday, July 7, 2014

Open Book

Dear Reader,
    When I started this blog in December 2013, my intention was to use it as a  " journal" of sorts.Writing is an exercise of the brain and often we forget to use it for anything other than the mundane parts of life.

     My intentions were an invitation for people to see things they might not ever understand. Living life like an open book to discuss and educate as many people as possible.

     Mental illness is a disease, just like diabetes, cancer, or any other affliction the body might face. Mental illness is actually quite a bit more common that people know. 

     The media (News and Television) have portrayed mental illness equals criminal activity.  After working in the Law Enforcement Area for most of my adult life, I can tell you there aren't as many criminals with mental issues as you may have been led to believe.  Don't believe everything you see on tv, read on the internet, or when watching the news.  Remember there are two sides to every story which makes the ability to manipulate to a perspective of their choice, not necessarily the truth.

    I hope that by reading my journal entries you see the internal struggles a person with PTSD and Bi-Polar faces.  Please be open minded enough to recognize many millions of people suffer from these silent illnesses.  The reality is, the guy next to you on the train to work may be trying to figure out if his life should last another 10 minutes.

    The secondary portion of this blog was to educate people about some of the crisis events that are occurring with the Veterans of Ft. McClellan, Alabama.  This is where I did my basic training and MP school.  Only now is it coming to light the chemicals we were exposed to.  The men and women who served from 1935 until the base closure in the 1990's were exposed and there are many horror stories that can be traced back to this military base.

    I ask you to please take some time and review the information I have posted (and will continue to post) in regards to what is happening.  One of the soldiers whom I served in Germany with is working to create a documentary covering what happened to many soldiers after leaving Ft. McClellan.  Please, help us accomplish that goal by donating a few dollar.  The public needs to know what has happened.  That Monsanto didn't just hurt the civilians of Anniston, Alabama (who received a few million in compensation) but that (according to the EPA reports) the rural areas, Ft. McClellan, was unaffected.

  I also ask you tell others of this situation.  Support us in forcing the governments hands to acknowledge their actions in the dramatic problem.

  Please feel free to leave any comments you may have.

  Thanks,


   GEM's Girl
   

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Go Away


Sanity


Which One First?


Love That Man


See the Page


All of the above


Happiness


Bookkeeper


Eyes Open


Stress Relief


Love of Reading


Someplace to go


Go to bed alone


Pick a Place


Up All Night


Place to Be


Shhh...


365 Pages


Book Friend


Old and New


Book Cake


Beautiful


26 Letters


Walk Away From Drama


Next Chapter


I Think


Book and Pajamas


Who Are You?


Cold?


Snow Fort


Social?


Happiness Is


Book Nook


Writers Muscle


Another Dimension


Life After Death


Please Don't Be.....

In Love

Toxic Service-Please Support Ft. McCllellan Soldier's

  • Next to Ft. McClellan is a small town called Anniston, Alabama. Even if you never heard of the base, the name of the community may ring a bell. In 2003, chemical giant Monsanto settled a case with more than 20,000 residents of the town for $700 million dollars. The suit alleged the company, now operating locally as Solutia, contaminated the water, soil and air so thoroughly and so recklessly with PCB’s and other toxins for decades, 60 Minutes and others have called the area the most toxic place on the planet. One of the others making that claim is the EPA, which has listed the community at the top of its Superfund Sites in need of cleanup.

    Toxins along with Agent Orange, the less well-known but even more toxic Agent Blue and Agent White (Part of the "Rainbow" used in Vietnam); Sarin, VX, Mustard Gas and a host of other man-made chemical killers were all stored at Ft. McClellan while they awaited their turn in the incinerator.

    The U.S. Institute of Medicine’s July 2009 report cited sufficient evidence of association between exposure to Agent Orange/dioxin and five illnesses: soft-tissue sarcoma, non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, chronic lymphocytic leukemia (including hairy-cell leukemia), Hodgkin’s disease, and chloracne. The report also found evidence suggesting an association with prostate cancer, multiple myeloma, amyloidosis (abnormal protein deposits), Parkinson’s disease, porphyria cutanea tarda (a blood and skin disorder), ischemic heart disease, hypertension, Type 2 diabetes, peripheral neuropathy, and cancer of the larynx, lung, bronchea or trachea, and spina bifida in exposed people’s offspring.

    There is evidence to indicate that exposure to Methylene blue (Agent Blue) during pregnancy may have a teratogenic effect on the fetus. A teratogen is a substance that can cause birth defects. The likelihood and severity of defects may be affected by the level of exposure and the stage of pregnancy that the exposure occurred at.

    The immediate effects of Sarin Gas include death by suffocation. Sarin is 26 times more deadly than cyanide gas. Just a pinprick-sized droplet will kill a human. Exposure symptoms include nausea and violent headaches, blurred vision, drooling, muscle convulsions, respiratory arrest and loss of consciousness. Sarin can contaminate food or water supplies.

    VX gas is one of the most dangerous human-made chemicals. VX stimulates the generation of the action potential (A.P.) in the nervous system of the body. This action is taken place at the synapse, which is the site where the presynaptic terminal of one neuron transmits a signal to another neuron (or muscle). (how the left side of the brain communicates with the right side of the brain). It hen causes a release of acetylcholine from the presynaptic nerve cell to the receptors on the postsynaptic muscle cell. This is where it acts as a neurontransmitter and binds to its receptors on the postsynaptic membrane, causing the muscle cell to contract or extends, (yes the brain contracts or extends). Because there is nothing to get rid of VX, the nerve is unable to return to its resting state so it fires continuously. The continuous firing causes the muscles to contract uncontrollably, which results in convulsions and the inability to breath

    Mustard Gas is almost odourless and took twelve hours to take effect. It was so powerful that only small amounts had to be added to high explosive shells to be effective. Once in the soil, mustard gas remained active for several weeks.
    The skin of victims of mustard gas blistered, the eyes became very sore and they began to vomit. Mustard gas caused internal and external bleeding and attacked the bronchial tubes, stripping off the mucous membrane. This was extremely painful and most soldiers had to be strapped to their beds. It usually took a person four or five weeks to die of mustard gas poisoning.

    Most of these chemicals spent their time sitting patiently in their containers waiting for destruction, but many of these substances foiled attempts at containment and leaked into the soil, creeks, streams and ultimately the aquifers that fed the wells of Ft. McClellan. Now add in the depleted uranium that is the shell of warheads and missiles and our old friend PCB’s from neighboring Monsanto. This might start to paint a fuller picture of the contents of the toxic soup that comprise the ground and water in and surrounding Ft. McClellan.

    Like the others depleted uranium has nasty effects. including respiratory and kidney problems, bowel conditions and painful joints. Medical tests reveal mutations to DNA and damage to chromosomes. This dust does more than wreak havoc on the immune systems of those who breathe it or touch it; the substance also alters one’s genetic code.

    Do I really need to get into Monsanto and PCB's?

    It would be realistic to say that not even the maddest scientists operating in the darkest days of Nazi death camps ever conceived of exposing the human body to ALL of these toxins at once

    The status Ft. McClellan veterans seek through HR 411 is what is required to receive treatment from the Veterans Administration. It must be acknowledged that we may have, or develop a range of illness, diseases and disorders. This is the same status that Vietnam Era veterans fought for decades to get in regard to Agent Orange exposure. It is also what was just granted to the hundreds of thousands who were exposed to the open-air burn pits in Iraq, Afghanistan and at bases around the wo
     
    I have been asked by family why I cannot let it go.
     
    I would love to let it go  but you see I can't because I have health issues I can trace to being stationed at Fort McClellan. There is a high probability my ex-husband has (or will have) from being stationed there also. Our children and our grandchildren are in direct danger also. Some of these toxins are known to effect three or more generations so yes, even my great-grandchildren are in danger.

    Of the 195 friends I have on Facebook the majority are men and women I had the pleasure of serving with. Here is the kicker, we ALL were at Ft. McClellan and we ALL were exposed. My case is actually mild to many others.

    I have bones that look like I am 80 instead of 40 and are continuing to deteriorate at a higher than normal rate. I have had multiple surgeries in order to keep them functioning. Doctor says I am too young for replacements but he fears when I am old enough I will not have a strong enough bone structure to support it. I am currently in a cast for hairline fractures that happened while I was walking the dog!! Living in a wheelchair is a possibility that could be very realistic in the future.

    I have bones in my jaw that are deteriorating-and I never had any problems with me teeth until after being there (i mean no problems...cavities, filling braces) now I am fighting to keep what I have because they eventually may not even be able to fit me for dentures. I have already had to have two teeth pulled because the jawbone was unable to hold them. I have others just hanging on, and one where the gum will not survive over a tooth even after thousands of dollars of grafting so the bone remains exposed creating multiple problems.

    I have kidney problems that doctors believe started after drinking contaminated water, showering in contaminated water, eating food prepared in contaminated water and being in contaminated soil while being stationed there. They failed several years ago and I was very lucky it was caught in time, Doc says another 24 hours and I would have been dead.

    Our rates of particular illnesses having to do with bones, blood, respiratory, tissue, heart and reproductive abilities are many and all appear to be much higher than the national averages.

    The women who served there between 1935 and 1992 (when the base closed to the Military Police and Chemical Weapons schools) have a higher percentage, almost double the national average, of women suffered from mind numbing, soul crushing six, eight, ten or more miscarriages. The children they were able to bear full term, or at least to a live birth, often suffer a horrifying, yet predictable range of abnormalities, disabilities and medical conditions.

    Because many of these toxins work on the chromosomal level, nearly as many men fathered children who went on to bear children of their own with abnormalities, disabilities and medical conditions known to be caused by exposure to these chemical agents.

    I consider myself very lucky that I had two very healthy daughters. But the day I woke up in the recovery room after having a hysterectomy (at a very young age I might add) he told me he had no idea how I carried two healthy children to term, there was so much damage I should be thankful for that blessing with every breath I take.

    I took an oath "To Protect and Defend the Constitution of America From All Enemies, Foreign and Domestic". Myself and thousands others who trained, lived, and worked at Ft McClellan did also. We did our jobs with pride and we would all do it again. I don't think it is too much to ask we be acknowledged for what we were exposed to.

    So NO!!!!..ABSOLUTELY NOT..WILL I LET IT GO!!!!!
     
    I would encourage anyone who is willing to donate to please find the "Toxic Service" page on Facebook.  Help us raise the awareness of this problem by donating to our voice to speak to the world.
     

I'm Not a Princess

Not a Fairy Tale

Be Loved?

When Will I Be Loved

Needing You

I Need You Now

Is this the thanks I get?

Good As I Was To You-Is This the Thanks I Get?

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Up All Night



One of the great things about having PTSD and Bi-Polar disorder is sometimes your brain will not shut up.  It doesn’t matter how many  medicines are in your cabinet, and it doesn’t matter if the sun is coming up and your body is exhausted, there is no such thing as rest.

 Stress is a factor when you this happens, but really what is the definition of stress?  For me it is different from you.

So I am up tonight with a brain that just won’t shut up.

For five months I have been putting up with neighbors who were not raised with any respect for others.  I have called the cops over and over due to their 2 and 3 a.m. noise in the middle of the week.  They didn’t get the hint until about a week ago when I told the officer I had finally had more than I could handle.  

 Breaking down into tears in front of a police officer while we stood in front of the certificates I have saying I am a former law enforcement officer myself was damn near humiliating.  But I just couldn’t take anymore, even knowing I only had until the middle of March before my lease was up.  My landlord has been good enough to let me out of my lease on the first.  But you can damn well bet if the courts call me in regards to the neighbors I will be in court on the 16th.

Last summer I took a job with a company that was just starting out.  I trusted that those who were running the company knew what they were doing.  Boy was I wrong on that count.  When I had worked for 30 days and didn’t have a paycheck they offered me “part of the company”.  I had a very good friend remind me that 10% of nothing is NOTHING.  By the time it was all said and done they owed me a little over $1,000.
But here is the kicker.  I had been living in housing where my rent was based off of my income.  When I took the job I did what I was supposed to do and I reported the increase.  That would have raised my rent to much more than I could afford with even both jobs…..so I moved.  Then when I didn’t get a paycheck it has been all I can do to even try to make my monthly rent payments.  In fact, truth be told, I am about $1,000 behind.  

Thankfully, I have a whole lot of documentation on the event and the State Program that this housing is under is willing to give me the chance to pay it back to them in installments.  But it is still frustrating-I should never have moved, and I should have been paid.

When the company didn’t pay me what they owed me in the first 30 days after I filed a wage claim the state added $750 to their bill.  When that didn’t get paid they made a payment arrangement with the company for $200 per month.  Now that pissed me off but okay, right?  WRONG!  They didn’t even make that payment.  So they have now placed a lien against the company and it’s owner which is supposed to be getting 5.25% interest per day.  Problem is, the company is an LLC and while I don’t understand all of the workings I have learned enough to know all they have to do is claim bankruptcy, close the company down, and I am screwed.  BUT then they can even open up under the same name doing the same business.  
If you know much of anything about my history you know that my daughters and I have had infrequent contact while they were growing up.  I am finally in a position where I can return to Oregon/Washington and be 3-5 hours away instead of 18.   Currently, there are 41 applications out there with the federal government and I have been referred to 10.  Many are still pending review.  Interesting though that many of the ones I have been referred to are with the Veterans Administration.  There is another if you know me that would be the place for me.

I spent months trying to figure out how I would travel over there should I be offered a job.  I have a very dear friend who sells cars for a living.  He knew all the circumstances and called me one day last week and I came home with a 2006 Ford Taurus.   Payments start on the first of March. (Due on the 20th, but having them taken out of my check so I don’t see them, and I can’t spend the money elsewhere and then panic on the 18th

So I am moving out of here by the end of the weekend and I am moving in with my parents.  The idea is that I will save some money to make the trip when there is finally a job.  But there is a problem.
I thought I would be “proactive” and find something temporary just to put a few dollars in my pocket.  I did find a job.  But I have never been good with numbers, and my memory is shit even when it is something I enjoy doing sometimes.  Of the 6 I hired on with, one is gone, another one told me today he is gone as soon as this pay period is over.  It is a data entry position and I work from 2-10:30pm.  

I am so frustrated that I can’t remember all the codes.  Even more frustrating is this whole idea that we should be able to preview and code 27 pages per minute.  Not going to happen for this kid.  I am too detail oriented, and I believe in getting the job done thoroughly and right the first time.  

I think the other problem is that you are so restricted to your desk all day long.  I am used to an environment where I can get up and move around if something becomes a little boring, confusing or even overwhelming for a minute.  I am also not in the habit of clocking in and out for every little thing I do.  A duty day was just that, a duty day.  You were trusted to get the work done in the time allotted or in a reasonable period.  That is just something this job doesn’t allow.

So, I can make the first car payment, and I can even make the rest of the down payment to the party I owe that too when I don’t have rent.  But there are other obligations I still have to meet.  My phone and catching up all the other bills I will be leaving behind.

I can do it all on the income I have from the federal government BUT I won’t be saving any money.
I think the 2-10:30 is part of what is wreaking havoc with me and I am feeling “off”.  I think I am frustrated that the government works so slow and I just want to be able to see my daughters “yesterday”.    And then there are the bills I know are out there.

I am literally giving everything in my house away and will have a fresh start but I want that fresh start soon.
Part of that fresh start has to do with the death of a relationship I never thought would happen.  I don’t even know what went wrong.  I have no clue why all of sudden hearing my voice means it is time to hang the phone up.  I have no clue why there has been no email or any other communication.  I just know what I had is gone, and it disappeared over night.

My “army brothers” will tell you it was for the best.  They didn’t like what they were hearing, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t upsetting.  This was not an overnight, flash in the pan, relationship.  It was something we worked hard at for years and then it just disappeared and I still don’t know why.

If he wanted to give me incentive for a fresh start he certainly did that.

So what is keeping me up?

Do I stay with this job that I find so frustrating?  One that I really am miserable doing?  If I am this miserable is that adding to the stress  that I really should avoid?

Will I be able to come up with the money if I do leave this job to make the move?

When will my state tax refund show up so I can pay off some bills?  Will it even show up since the state claims my taxes in 2008 were not enough?

Can I find a more suitable temporary job-one more similar to secretarial work where I can get up from my desk and (and I can’t believe I am saying this) file or run mail etc.?

If I don’t make the right choices and changes will I put one foot in the grave of starting over?  I can’t afford to move away from my family and have my life fall apart.  I surely don’t want to have my daughters placed in a position where they have to rescue Mom.

I could go on and on.  

Insomnia is what some people get.  Man, I would love that problem.  At least then I could take one of my favorite books to bed with me and have a great “date” with a handsome man.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

The day I never thought I could get through...Is not IF but WHEN

Night after night, and day after day I have been sitting in front of this computer reading one job description and then another.  I know I am qualified for the position because it is in the same grade and the same series I was working when I left federal employment.

What I am getting extremely frustrated with is the emails that come back saying "you were qualified but you weren't the best qualified", or what they call "BQ".  Only the people on the BQ list make it past the first set of referrals and move to interviews and background checks.

I did have one interview and the lady said she actually believed I was "over-qualified" for the position.  She asked me if I was offered the job would I be willing to stay with it for a significant amount of time.  I told her I would be more than willing to as really right now my sole purpose it to put myself into a position to see my daughters more frequently that I have in the last 10 years.

I also told her that I want to come to work for the VA.  I explained I am an adamant and vocal person when it comes to the plight of many veterans.  They are not receiving their benefits in a timely manner.  They are not receiving them at all-some when they need them the most.  There are even those of us who served at Ft. McClellan where all the evidence points to the fact that we were poisoned during our stay there, that the VA and the government refuses to admit to what happened to us, yet has paid the town of Anniston (just outside of Ft. McClellan) millions in damages.  Veterans and their families are being completely ignored.

I also was forthcoming with the fact that I suffer from PTSD and Bi-Polar and I know how difficult it can be to say "I need help" because many veterans are "too strong" to say anything as they fear it will make them appear weak.  That attitude is killing 27 veterans a day...we are losing them to suicide.

Until you have looked at that bottle of pills, another bottle of alcohol, a combination, or even more frightening the barrel of a gun, you can not understand the depths and despair that are overwhelming.

I also explained that while I would not have a "day job" helping people in these predicaments, having been there and still putting one foot in front of the other every day to "Live" and not just "Exist" I find conversations "veteran to veteran" often is the beginning of  the road to recovery.

As a self defense instructor for the Federal Bureau of Prisons part of my responsibility was to teach staff how to "deescalate" volatile situations.  The urge to take one's own life in my book has to be the most "volatile" situation there is. Working in a VA hospital volunteering for projects where I can take my darkness and show someone else there is light is the whole reason I want to work around veterans.

I haven't heard a word back.  I spend every day I don't get a return phone call wondering if I revealed too much?  Should I not say anything about being a VA Patient myself?  But if I don't and for some reason it creates a problem down the road isn't that frustrating to the person who felt I could handle the responsibilities?  Doesn't that seem like I misrepresented my abilities?

Bi-Polar and PTSD keep many people from work.  But there are just as many, if not more who do function, and function well at their jobs.  Sometimes it is all about accepting that you are going to have to be a bit "creative" to get through your day and remain healthy.

I had a very good friend tell me recently that I had to remember my first priority has to be me.  I don't know many people who are honestly and truthfully good at doing that.  We want so badly to  be the good spouse, significant other, parent, friend that we forget to be the same for ourselves.

So, by that same token, when we realize our limitations and we decide that doing something for ourselves it can bring out the best or the worst in others.  Personally, when I made the decision that I wanted to make the move to Washington or Oregon to work on reestablishing relationships with my daughters, that were severely damaged when I was in the deepest throws of both illnesses, my boyfriend decided it wasn't something he was willing to do with me.

Shortly after I realized that was going to be the case I heard a song lyric that has stuck with me....

The day I never thought I could get through...I got over you. 

How right. How many days (long before he decided to leave) did I wish I would never see another sunrise?  How many days did I wonder if life, the complete hell that it was, was worth living?  Would I ever find the strength to move past the darkness and become a whole person again?

The day I never thought I could get through....I got over you.

So I am trying to teach myself to take the time to remember that the good things in life are not about IF they are about WHEN.
Everyone should find that point in life where picking up the pieces and moving on is what gets you out of bed, even if your ass is still dragging just a bit, but knowing, not trying to convince yourself, that there are good people, good things, and positive lives in this world.

Everything in life is an IF it is only strong will and determination to make it a WHEN.  No matter what the situation may be.

GEM's Girl


Monday, January 27, 2014

Some Days Are MUCH BETTER Than Others



It isn’t every day that everything seems to go exactly right.

But when it does….there is nothing better.

I was sound asleep this morning when the phone rang.  The lady identified herself and asked me if I was still job hunting.  Even from my dead sleep that registered somewhere in my brain.  I told her yes.  My chicken scratch regarding the name of the company and the address left a lot to be desired I discovered when I finally did wake up.

I walked in completely blind to the interview.  For the life of me I could not remember what exactly this company did.  I wasn’t sure how I was going to bring that question up.  She started me with some basic data entry work and then some 10-key.  I realized just how long it has been since I was truly accurate with a 10-key.  Test one was at 96%, test 2 was at 98% and the third was 99.8%.  I was glad to see that at least I hadn’t forgotten all of it!!

The interview was probably one of the most relaxed I have ever sat through.  I don’t ever remember any that seemed that quick and personable.   I did tell her that I had applications in Washington and Oregon because I wanted to be closer to my children.  I just have a hard time not being up front with that fact.  She told me the job was going to last 4-8 weeks at this point, possibly longer.  She also mentioned they are pulling in so many jobs that moving from one contract to another is also something that might happen.  She also said that her only problem she sees frequently that are a severe problem is that people hire on, go through orientation and training and THEN tell her they had vacationed planned and need a week off.  All I could do was laugh and tell her the only reason I could see missing a day is for a doctor’s appointment and at this time I didn’t have any in the near future.  She took the names and phone numbers of a couple of people and told me if they were good on references I would hear from her later in the day or tomorrow morning.

I left the interview and I called everyone who I had given her name to just to let them know to expect the call.  I drove out to my aunt’s house-I had not been there more than half an hour and she called and told me she would like to bring me on board.  She laughed and asked me if I had been expecting her to call today.  I could only answer no.

So tomorrow at noon I go sign the paperwork for a background check.  Not too worried about any felonies or even misdemeanors showing up.  I lead a very dull life.

And this is what I found when I opened my mail today:









I don't know how many people I have told, but while I was in college it was discovered I have a serious leaning disability when it comes to numbers.  No matter how hard I tried, no matter how many times I took the remedial classes I usually only made it to mid-terms before I was so lost I couldn't move forward.

When it was realized I was able to petition for an exception to graduation policies.  I had enough classes for an associates in Psychology (except the last class, it was a math course) and I had enough classes for my bachelor's in Political Science (but I needed the math classes).

My advisor, Dr. Donna Lybecker, (Political Science) was able to help me to petition the exception.  It was agreed that I would graduate with the associates degree for now.  I have the opportunity to return at some point and work for the bachelor's under the 2014+ standards.  They have changed enough in the opportunities for remedial course work I could easily complete what I need.

I will probably wait a long while.  Moving to where my children are and returning to a federal job, something challenging is higher on my priority list at the moment.

I figure it took me more than 20 years to get this far, I can wait a year or two to finish the rest.

All in all, a pretty good day.

I hope to see a few more like it in the future.

:-)

GEM's Girl